Broken Vessel

The room seemed to strip the breath out of everyone as empty glances are exchanged and silence engulfs all its surroundings. This always seems to happen once the small group leader begins Bible study by asking a question. Most people are reflecting, digging for answers, and then there are people who lifelessly stare at the wall in hopes of averting eye contact. I am searching for reasons, excuses, to keep all my thoughts inside me. I recall countless times in Bible study where we talked about a subject that really hit a fresh wound in my heart. Any mention of fear, suffering, and a vast list of topics would resonate with me. In my mind were broken pieces, scattered thoughts that seemed to capture my experiences but could not be transformed into words.

One night, I entered Bible study without a saying single word. Without greeting a single person. I left as everyone exchanged smiles and waved at those who are leaving. I silently stood as if I expected to join in conversations just by being present. I desperately wanted to be noticed, but I guess no one could see me. I left Bible study without a single word that night as well.

As I walked outside I closed my eyes and tried to process what this feeling of emptiness inside of me was. I felt overwhelmed with anger that I did not force myself to push words out of my life. Sure, I was present in the room and I was able to listen to the conversations of other people. They don't always have to be insightful conversations to leave an impact on me. It was an odd feeling, where the conversations seemed to have absolutely no impact on me. It seemed like I did not exist to anyone. Or I did not want to make my existence known to anyone. All my life, I have learned that being invisible is far more secure than being seen and having to explain yourself. In crowded elementary hallways where children all mock and point right in the face of outcasts, the simplest way to react to is to hide. When someone dedicates so much time to come up with a list of things that are wrong with you, it saves them a lot of burden if I hide all my flaws. I have always instinctively pulled out a mask and kept silent. Whether I say or do something wrong, when no one sees me it saves me a lot of trouble. Even now, when I look into the eyes of people I search for ways I can avoid inconvenience and be favorably looked at--by shutting my mouth.

Moments after I left Bible study that night, I took a walk in the night and once again darkness swallowed me. Why do I feel so much pain when I act so indifferently to others in my small group? How could I be feeling sadness and emptiness when I am incapable of revealing emotions to people? It was then that I realized that the pain reflected my brokenness, and that emptiness was longing to be filled by something...but by what?

This is all a question we have all wondered at some point. Never have I been shown the answer more clearly until that night. It is a written truth that I am broken and so sinful. One glance back at that Bible study night (along with many other nights) and my entire life shows how conceited, fearful, and distrustful I am. What am I to do with this emptiness? This suffering has snatched the life away from me, and I can look to the world, to people, to myself to search for meaning but nothing will give me an answer that satisfies what I truly seek. The world urges the suffering to love yourself despite your flaws and keep fighting, but for what? Keep fighting so that other people will not be burdened by you? Love yourself so that you learn to accept your emptiness? What do any of these words of 'wisdom' amount to? Nothing.

Truthfully, at that point when I seemed to find no answer I wanted to just give up. I could continue going on with the little life I have left in me and routinely go through every day like I have done in the past. Live a life with minimum burdens to everyone around me and grow numb to pain. The life of a corpse positioned right beside the coffin waiting to be lowered down and vanish, leave without a single trace.

I am a failure, a mistake in creation I thought yet in my weakness I believe there was nothing in this world that could bring life back into me except God. This was my purpose. There may be people who point fingers at me and accuse me of turning to God because it was all that I knew. The concept of God already existed in my head since I was raised in the church and so I turn to it. It is possible for a concept to already exist in me, but for God to give me life...it was shown to me and not something I knew of. The lyrics to the song "Broken Vessels" come in to mind now, where we sing out to God:

You take our failure, You take our weakness.
You set your treasure in jars of clay.
So take this heart, Lord...I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me


I am someone so weak that I tremble at the thought of revealing my thoughts to others. I'm so weak that it is so difficult for me to take my legs and carry myself through life, yet even I have received the honor of living my life for a greater purpose.

It is no wonder that when people hear the testimony of others, they are able to see God more clearly and see the love in His eyes. It is no wonder that I am put through this situation so that I can more clearly see God.

Every broken piece of me is scattered and incomplete, yet he mends me and makes me whole. Although I may have felt forsaken, I am deeply, deeply loved and God faithfully works in me, in my life. I am still weak, and my knees shake at the thought of starting over again in a new small group. However, I have to reassure myself that it is not myself I should be believing in. Far from it, it is GOD I am placing my trust in so I should have no worries.

Next year, when the same eerie silence echoes and bounces off the smothering walls, I will remember that the bigger picture is much more vast. Every thought, every word, can be used BY HIM. Though I am broken, so insignificant, so small I can be used for the world to see His love, Him in me. Why then, would I ever want to find an excuse to stay silent? I would never turn down the opportunity to glorify God through someone like me.

Everything, even painful experiences, happen for a reason. I am emptied only to be filled again, and what great joy it is to be filled with the love of Christ. I only pray now that I will overcome my sin, and become a vessel of God's love to the world.