Stripped

The wind slapped my face as I tried to pull my scarf closer to my chin and I pull the door open with every ounce of my strength. The little strength I have. Today I stepped into the career advising center.  I stepped in with the intention of leaving with maybe some idea of what I want to do in the future, but left in an even more confused state.

It's an abnormal feeling trying to convey the words in your heart to some stranger you just met. I walked in and the first question he asked me was, "Why are you here?" My eyes widened, and I opened my mouth to answer, but no words would come out.

Why am I here? Why exactly...am I here? I repeated this question over and over again and thought about my purpose for scheduling this appointment in the first place. I was in denial. Hypothetically speaking, I didn't even need to go to the advising center and could just continue my major. I might be miserable, suffering even, but I could just suck it up persevere. I weighed my options before coming here and wondered whether it was worth enduring the pain of pursuing the wrong major. How would that pain compare with the confusion of being lost. Just my very presence in this building revealed how lost I was. I felt my heart clench and a wave of panic run through my body. The reason I ultimately ended up going, however, was to change my fate decided by someone other than me. I would not be happy in that position. I chose confusion over this feeling of disattachment, even though both made me feel miserable. I expected this feeling of liberation that came out of admitting the truth, but instead uncertainty still overwhelmed me.

There was a long pause. With my lips sealed shut, I tried so hard formulate my thoughts but they just could not be translated into words. I looked down and blankly stared, hiding from the opportunity to change my fate. I searched the blank walls, desperately reaching for answers. "I am considering changing my major," I force out of my throat as I slowly lifted my head and averted his eyes. I began to focus on his mouth and brace myself for the judgement. A smile spread across his face as he takes out his pen and scratches down notes. "I'm here to help"

The idea of there actually being someone to consult about my future, who will actually listen to words that come out of my own heart is incredibly foreign to me. Sure, I've spoken to my parents about my future, but it was more of a one way conversation. They would ask me questions, I would stay silent, thinking about these questions, and then they would put words into my mouth.  There would be this immense fear, confusion, and pressure as they try to pull the answer out of me. As if I knew what the future holds for me. As if I could determine what to do with my life. I'm only human, yet I hold the power and responsibility of determining something as large as my life. Sometimes I find that they penetrate words into my mind as well. "You need to find a good paying job." "Focus on first establishing a good income, and then pursue your happiness afterwards." With every career option that pops into my mind the reflexive first move ingrained in my head is to check the salary, then consider if it is fit for me. As if the money I earn will determine my worth, my status, or give me a happy future. These are false teachings.

 In opposition, my friends would actually listen to what I have to say but realize how my words are incoherent, contradicting, and lost in translation. They get just a glimpse of the neurotic thoughts that invade my brain--mass destruction occurs in my brain. Ironically, I could reject all their suggestions and give a list of what I hate and a never-ending list of my weaknesses, but a list of what I love and my strengths would take hours to think of a single word. I reply, like a broken record, with the words "I don't know." When you ask me what I love to do, I do have certain activities I love but I am always critical. Always judging myself. How can I know what I love if I don't know what I love. The advice you offer brings great pain to me because they have simple answers, just answers I cannot give.

"You need to take more classes and explore. Gain new experiences" they fire suggestions tandem. If I could try out every single major, and seek out every career in the world, I would never be able to know because I barely know myself. You might say you know me, as a friend, but I don't see the person you see standing in front of you or know myself enough either.

This whole session was just a roller coaster of unfamiliar sensations. I told this man information some friends will perhaps never know about me. My deepest desire. My inner thoughts. Question by question, he penetrated my heart uncovering information about me that even I don't know. The question "why" seemed to  invigorate my thoughts and my true feelings were slowly being unraveled.

The questions challenged me to wonder why I think in certain ways. Where they thoughts my parents told me? Are certain thoughts restricting me from exploring other options? When do I feel most content?

Contentment. I want to find contentment. Suddenly, during this session I feel invigorated to find my role in life. "What are things that you enjoy doing? Maybe that can help you search for the right major" my adviser suggests. After noticing that I feel overwhelmed, he reassured me by telling me how "a major does not limit nor determine your future career". I've always been hesitant to make that first move and find my passion because I've been too scared of the consequences. His reassuring words taught me that a major does not determine my future. It is a starting point. It is the first step of discovery, and I chose the wrong one at first, but step by step I will find contentment.

What I want to do is be able to do work where I am able to express who I am and do what I love. My love will not be hesitant, and the work will give me the contentment that I just don't seem to see in this instant. I want to be able to share my passions with others, to help others. Finding this role is a lot to shoulder by myself, but there's someone here to help me now. I don't think I'll ever grow used to this feeling of stripping my exterior, the mask that I have crafted to conceal my weakness and true feelings. I do, however, love seeing glimpses of the real me escape and learn more about myself. I want to embrace this feeling of being exposed and see everything as it is.